Second thoughts

I'm nervous about the job.

The guy - let's call him Louis - thinks BIG, to the point that you wonder how schizophrenic he may be. Is his idea for the real estate company good? I guess. How the hell do I know? If it's such a great idea, and it hasn't been done before by those in the know, how could a layman such as myself understand its greatness?

My financial commitment would be the $300 or so that it would cost to obtain my real estate license. I'd also need to take about 75 hours' worth of classes, but that doesn't worry me. In fact, since it's all done on your own time these days (as I've been told), I can likely finish the requirements in short order. What concerns me is the time commitment. Not the 40 hours of work a week; that's to be expected. It's the full year to which Louis will want me to commit. If he asks me to sign a contract for those 12 months, I'll have an issue with it.

I understand that he'll be investing time, money and energy into me, so he won't want to see me leave during or shortly after my "training time." I get that. But hey, how can I be sure that this whole thing won't suck?

I guess I should think worst case scenario. He's promise a base pay of $2500 a month for 12 months, but potential for a lot more. Say that I only $2500 per month. Say that I stay with Louis for a whole year, then leave or get dropped. I'm one year older, with $30K and a year's worth of experience with the guy to show for it. Does that make me a better or worse candidate for actuarial jobs in early 2013?

This is a great question, the kind that I'd love to ask one of my actuarial recruiters. If only they were working this week. Damnit. I don't think I have any connections within my network that can help me either. I've tried three and they're all out of the office, likely for the week. Crap. I'm freaking out.

I can't allow myself to sign any contract today. That might make me appear wishy-washy, but hey, that's exactly what I am.

So, the question. Well, I'd asked be asked why there was such a long expanse of time between my last test and now, and I'd tell them that I worked with Louis in an entrepreneurial venture. I'll explain that he is an actuary that formed a branch of Zurich and left the business to start another company. I'm hopeful that name-dropping will help, and that I won't have to explain a lot more about what we did. I'll also have to hope that he's not known as a loon in actuarial circles, and that hiring folk will consider it a use of time that's better than doing nothing and waiting for any opportunity, which is where I am now.

Heck, if actuaries are suggesting that I take an underwriting or claims job, or even a mail room job in an insurance company, then this job can't be that bad. And I always have the excuse of needing to put food on the table.

Okay, I'll do it. Be calm, Dave. Be a journalist. Ask questions. Use reason. Don't jump to conclusions. Interrupt if you need to. Stay on task. Okay.

A wonderful week

This is the last day of the week of December 18-24, and it's been a fantastic week, possibly the best week I've ever had.

The most important part of it is that Margie and I have formed an even stronger bond than ever before, and I'm very excited about what lies ahead.

It appears that I have a job as well. Adam introduced me to his real estate agent, who used to be an actuary. In fact, he started a branch of Zurich that was bought out by another company, and his experience led him into becoming an entrepreneur. He's ready to make a bigger push in the realty market, and though I met with him to discuss help in cracking the actuarial field, he offered me a job with his company. And I'm going to take it. It'll require me to get a real estate license, but I won't be a typical realtor. I'll be using my mathematical and analytical abilities to get better results for our clients. He's offered me 30K base salary this year, along with a lot more potentially. The 30K is if we have no success at all. And hey, that's a lot more than I'm making now.

What appeals to me is that, if it fails, I can still say that I worked under the guy, and perhaps that can count as experience to any actuary looking to hire. It could certainly be exciting. The office is in Geneva and I might start as early as Monday.

My bowling game has improved substantially in the several weeks. Before I discuss the results, let me describe what I'm doing now, so that it's written down somewhere.

• Same five-step approach, though I'm starting a little left of before.
• Ball held in my gut.
• Two steps with me hunched over a little bit.
• Ball goes back at third step, possibly a little earlier than that, hand held as if I'm holding a martini glass. 
• Fourth step starts a little early. A little stutter-step, but not much. Gives me a little more time to concentrate on the spot I'm trying to hit. (That spot is the eighth board, to start.)
• A little slide with my left foot, but not much. 
• Let go of the ball a little later than before, to loft the ball a bit.
• Finish high. Let the hand reach for the sky.

These last two parts are what I think has made a big difference. For some reason, I'm able to control my lofting well, as it feels more natural. And it helps with the curve of the ball. The ball goes as if it's going to hit the 6-10, then makes its move, and it's been hitting the 1-3 pocket at a six-degree angle.

So how good have I been at bowling lately? Well, I've had three goals in bowling, which I know I've written in some form or other.

1. Bowl a clean game, meaning no open frames.
2. Break Digger's high score of 233.
3. Bowl a 600 series.

I've accomplished all of these in the last week. I was antsy Monday night and decided to hit the lanes for some practice games. Planning for six games, I got better as the night went on, and in my sixth game, I had a clean game going into the tenth frame. What looked to be a good strike ball left a standing seven-pin, the shot I'd made all night long. Sure enough, I missed it when it really mattered. I couldn't help but be outwardly upset, cursing a few times and pounding the table. But, hey, I'm bowling well and games are only a buck. I'll bowl two more. The next game was clean. It only had three strikes and was a 191, but I made every spare.

Fueled by this, I bowled at league the next night and opened with a 231, my new high score. Opening with six consecutive strikes helps. I had two opens that game, both splits. My next game was a 220 and my second clean game of my life, less than 24 hours after my first one. Knowing that I needed a 149 for my first 600 series, I stayed composed and had it wrapped up early. Despite three open frames in the last four frames - a continuing problem late in the night that may be alleviated if I start lifting weights, running or drinking coffee - the third game was a 190, giving me a series of 641.

That 231 was oh-so-close to Digger's high. Tantalizingly so. But oh well. You can't expect to achieve all of your goals in such a short span.

But yesterday I went on my own. I could only afford five games. The first was pretty low but I slowly got back in the groove, and my fourth game started with six strikes, then four spares, and a strike at the end. Final score: 242. Holy crap! I bowled a 242! X X X X X X 6/ 9/ 8/ 9/X. My third clean game in less than 100 hours, when I never did it in 40 prior years.

This 242 was not in league, though I did it on two lanes. I made sure to get a print-out of the game, scan it as a .pdf file, and e-mail it to Digger. He has yet to respond, undoubtedly crushed by the news.

You know, maybe, just maybe, I could sniff 300 someday. The pressure would be enormous, and I'll probably have to get close but fail a bunch of times before succeeding, much as I did for my first clean game.

Combine it with last week's league scores of 216-213-158, and I've been on quiet a roll. Two weeks ago, my average was not quite 160. I'd say that I'm a 180 bowler right now. I believe I'll bowl over 180 as often as I bowl under it in the future.

I still remember two guys laughing at my third game score of 115 when I first bowled in this league. They weren't laughing at me per se, but at a low score in a good league. That very team was a fun group of guys when we bowled them last week and were complimentary of us.

Anyway, bowling right now is fun, and I'm proud of myself for accomplishing my goals. Now it's time to set some new ones. Maybe more than six strikes in a row in one game? Improved "pins per first ball" average? Continued improvement with my third game, by not tiring and recognizing the changing lane conditions?

A great week, and this is before tonight, when Margie will meet the Zahrobskys for the first time. My mother has one sibling, and for reasons somewhat unknown to me, she no longer talks to them. Since this happened around the time Margie and I started dating, she's never seen them.

A few months back, I decided to visit Kim (the middle child) at her workplace. Why? Because no one actually did it. We'd talk about seeing each other, either Kim or Kris, the oldest boy, but would never go through with it. So I did it, and it was a neat moment. Based on that, I asked Kim if we could visit tonight, when their family has a Christmas Eve party, as they've done for decades and was the source of many happy memories of my youth. She checked it out and gave me the okay to come over tonight at 7:00.

Maybe the week won't seem as cheerful later this evening; it might go poorly, as my last visit to the Z's went. But either way, Margie will learn something new about me and my past. A great week, which will hopefully become the norm and not the exception.

Merry Christmas! (I mostly say this over "Happy Holidays" because Christians are more offended to hear "Happy Holidays" than non-Christians are to hear "Merry Christmas." Sad, isn't it?)

Privacy

I haven't posted here in a while because I have very personal and private thoughts, thoughts that only my wife would be allowed to see. And not all of them could she see at that. So, even though this blog is about as anonymous as possible, I'm not going to post here as often.

Still, this blog has served a purpose. I has allowed me to use my once-powerful (sorta) literary skill to express my thoughts and feelings of the present. I'll continue to do just that, but in a journal instead.

Maybe I should return this blog to a place for my art. Perhaps soon. But not now.

Merry Christmas!

Margie

My wife is the most wonderful person in the world. I love her with all that I have, and I will be stay with her for the rest of my days.

There are things that we cannot control, but they don't matter. It's what we can control that truly affects us.

A downer dog, I am

I feel positively shitty today. On a scale of 1 to 10, the scale can kiss my ass.

There's no little that's right in my life. Of course, I'm very happy with my shared spousal love. Margie's great. But so many other things are in bad shape.

We're holding out hope at starting a family, but it's not looking good. At least today it doesn't. Margie has faith, and I've had more faith lately than I'm used to having, but it's not there today. Meanwhile, younger and irresponsible people are getting pregnant and either aborting their babies or having them and not being nurturing parents. A person in the know told me that every American baby in need of a family is getting it. Is having a nine-month pregnancy so difficult that it will overcompensate for the eternal joy a baby can give an adopting couple?

I'll likely have lots of little thoughts today. It would be cool if I filled up this entry, so that it takes up an entire page and that one would have to hit the "older posts" link to see any other entries. Not that anyone's looking anyway.

And that's fine. It's actually preferable. You don't know me. Hell, nobody knows me. The number of people of which I have weekly contact is very small.

Margie. Mom and Dad. Roger, Victor and Rob from my bowling team. Karen from LTC. Kip. And that's about it. Oh, my analyst Tom.

No one asks how I'm doing. No one fucking cares. Of course my wife does, and she genuinely cares. Too often, it feels as if her and I are in a different world than the rest of the world, and that we are shadows. Are we ghosts?

I can't find a job. I happened to pick the worst employment climate for actuaries as the time I wished to become an actuary. For all I know, I've been blacklisted out of teaching, though I never received a negative report. If only I were the type that had no ego and would be willing to work at Starbucks. But nope, I think I'm this special person that has graduated from that stage of my life. Bullshit. I haven't gone anywhere. I'm retarded, and I mean that in the proper definition. I haven't grown up.

Last night, I went to a wake. Mary Ann was a cousin of my father's. She didn't have that good of a life and raised a boy that tormented her recently, including physical abuse. He's one fucked up guy, and he forced his own mother to suffer.

On the TV screen positioned in the back of the room at the funeral hall, there was a picture of Mary Ann with my father's sisters (Rita and Diane) and George and Virginia, a nice couple that married young and stayed married well into their '90s. The picture could've been taken as recently as two years. Now, only George remains. Now my uncle Bill is in bad shape and won't make it past another few months.

Everybody around my family of that generation, apart from my own parents, are dying. Both of my parents smoke and don't take to exercise. They still take care of my brother, who's autism will prevent him from ever being self-supportive. The entire world's aging and dying, and here I am, sitting and cracking my knuckles, as if I've still got time. But I have no time at all. My time has already passed to make a positive impression on the world. I'm a waste of whatever potential I thought I had.

I can't concentrate. There's always a song playing in my head. It's not the same song, like "Alfie," which sang in my dad's head for years. (That's not a bad song, by the way. I love the piano arpeggio near the end.) It's a little jukebox that I can't turn off. No wonder I have tinnitus; the music's coming out of my ears and won't stop playing.

What else sucks, let's see: well, my band's completely done, and nobody talks to each other anymore. Dave, the bass player, WAS a good friend of mine but doesn't bother contacting me anymore. I'll give him a break, as he's busy with a new job that's hellish. Still, I can't feel too bad for him. He's got a supportive wife, two lovely daughters that obey them, and he gets away with adultery on the side.

I was going to write about something really person, but I censored myself. Venting my spleen isn't helping that much.

I'm very tired of feeling sorry for myself. Would it help if I counted my blessings, the things in my life that are good?

1. I have my health. Not that I'm perfectly healthy, but there's nothing about to shorten my life or even my enjoyment of life that's known.
2. I live in a nice house, with plenty of room, and a great backyard with two cherry trees that nicely hold a hammock.
3. Margie.
4. My parents and brother are doing okay.
5. I have an ability to make great impressions. I can be attractive at times to certain people. 
6. Not many people can play drums and sing at the same time, and be willing to do it live in front of others. And of those people, how many can also play guitar and even write a song every now and then? Or be willing to record themselves and put them on YouTube? That's gutsy and can only be done by someone with a good amount of self-confidence, no matter how crumby and insecure he may feel at times. 
7. I've experienced several different careers, and because of that, I have a wisdom that one-career people may not possess.
8. Since I'm in Mensa, I must have something good between the ears.
9. I still have my hair, though it's pretty gray on the sides, and no bald spot is present. 
10. I come up with some pretty creative things. While it's true that I crave accolades from others and am sad if I don't get them, I'm aware of this fact and know that congratulations from others is not as important as fulfilling my own ability and taking pride in what I achieve.
11. At times, I have a quick wit and can make others laugh.
12. For someone that doesn't exercise much, I appear to be strong. 
13. I was able to teach myself Financial Math to the point of passing an actuarial exam, all with no human interaction. Just a book, an on-line question bank, and my own determination, intelligence and fortitude. (I may have done the same with Life Contingency Models, but we have to wait another month on that one.
14. I'm selfless to a certain extent. I enjoy helping others.
15. I find myself looking out for those who are disadvantaged. 

Well, I wanted to get to 20, but 15's not bad. After doing a little job-hunting and productive brainstorming on the job hunt, I have another.

16.  I have the power to change my emotions, from negative to positive.

Why I'd want to go the other way is beyond me, but I do it anyway. A lot.