207

What's great about my new high score in a game of bowling - 207 - is that I'm certain that it won't last for long.

After starting with an open frame, my game went as follows: X 9/ 9/ X 9/ 9/ X X XX0. Ten consecutive first balls where I got at least nine pins. Once I threw that last strike, my second four-bagger ever, I knew that I had a new high score and must've lost my concentration on the last ball. If the four-bagger had happened earlier in the game, the score would've been even higher.

I ended up bowling five games in an hour, with an average of 150. But I did it with a new bowl, a ball I'd never used before. It was a little tight on the tip of my ring finger, as it's pretty swollen right now.

But this was only second time I've bowled with a fingertip-grip ball. It was a scary proposition at first. The ball that I got from Digger was originally drilled to be fingertip, but since he has bigger hands than me, I couldn't hold it and thought that there was no way I'd ever be able to throw such a ball. But Dave at the alley said that I needed to make the change in order to get more rotations on my ball. I don't want to go back now. It feels more natural than a traditional drilling.

There were a few balls I threw today that had SO much break that I was in awe. Keep in mind that the ball I had is geared toward having a hook, but man, most of it was me. A ball heading toward the ten-pin ended up hitting the pocket. How can I not get thrilled by that?

However, my consistency was bad. After three marks in the next game, Dave came to watch and I suddenly started pulling everything. Maybe I was trying to impress him, as he's a fantastic bowler (thirty-five 300 games in his career) and a great guy to know. Oh well. He saw some good action later on.

So I'm new to this grip and am already bowling better and enjoying it a lot more. So I bought a new ball, one that's 15 pounds instead of 16 and is a lot more reactive to the synthetic lanes of today's alleys. And I'll definitely get it drilled with a fingertip grip, one that doesn't make my ring finger swell so badly.

I bowled a 207, but I know it won't be my high score for long. The league in which I'll bowl starts next Tuesday.

I've been volunteering for my town's Main Street program, helping the central business district, and it's been great to feel productive and important again. More on that once I get over this bowling glow.

A song posted on YouTube

I'm hoping to record a ton of stuff and put it on YouTube for all (gulp) to see. It'll be hard to see negative responses, but I should have a stiff upper lip by now. This'll be easier to do since I'm no longer a teacher.

Here's a link to the first song, one that I worked on for a very long time: CSN's "Guinnevere."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J2rI7um054I

Dumps

I didn't get the job.

I keep telling myself that I get stronger with every close call, and that I'm getting closer to the right place for me, but I keep going back to feeling overly rejected.

In all likelihood, I will not be able to get an actuarial job for at least another year. While it certainly gives me time to study for the next exam, volunteer for the local Main Street program, tutor a little for some money and maybe act in a summer play or work on some serious songwriting, I'd rather have to juggle all of that while working.

This is hard.

At least I have accomplished something: our air conditioner hasn't been working properly, and instead of calling an HVAC tech and likely spending $300 to get it fixed, I fixed it myself with a $22 contactor, a $60 multimeter (which I wanted anyway) and a lot of teeth-grinding as I swapped out the part. I had to order the contactor on-line and out-of-state, as I've been told that regular folk like me aren't allowed to buy this part within Illinois. Silly bureaucrats. Why shouldn't I be allowed to blow up my house with my stubbornness and ignorance?

But my two biggest obstacles to a happy life are still obstacles. Margie and I took an important step today to overcome the other one.

Poise. Self-assurance. I have it and deserve to have it. I do.

Adjustments

Jamie bailed, again. I've given up with her. She's cancelled on me 4-5 times, and I told her in an e-mail that I wouldn't be asking anymore. She never responded. Have a good life, Jamie.

I'd still like to find someone else with whom to make music. Margie can sing better than she realizes. If only.

Big news on the job front: Allstate is interested in me. After several phone calls, they brought me in for an interview on Monday. Allstate is located in a fairly swank suburb of Chicago, about 25 miles from my house. They have massive amounts of land and many building on said land. One of the buildings is their life insurance department. Most of the others are dedicated to P&C: property and casualty, such as homeowner's insurance, auto insurance, etc. The guy with the gruff voice that plays other people (or things) is part of their market push, but that has nothing to do with life. Allstate's life department isn't in the top 10 in size, but it's still big enough to have lots and lots of people working there.

My interview was very long. Chris met me and sat down with me for a few questions. Then he proceeded to chaperone me through the morning, as I went on four separate 45-minute interviews with managers in windowed offices. Again, that three solid hours of interviewing, with Chris in between asking me the occasional interview question.

The first interviewer, Mario, asked me the hardest questions, ones that I'm currently in no good position to answer. How am I supposed to know all of the important factors in rolling out a block of 20-year term life insurance plans? Still, I thought out loud and came up with most of them, or so Mario said.

The second, Dawn, didn't ask me anything that really stands out, but I know we bonded well. (Dawn's my age, but I feel as if she looks older and I look younger. In reality, it's likely that we look the same age to the unacquainted observer, but it's hard for me to picture myself as that old, despite the gray hair, smile lines and mustache.)

The third, Phil, was likely younger than I, which is hard to take as he's accomplished and apparently driven. Still, we got to talk shop a lot, and I don't remember any questions asked that I didn't handle well. \\

What I remember the most from the fourth, Jeff, was that he asked me three logic questions. Ones that involved probability and problem-solving. I had heard of one before but didn't remember the answer, so I had to figure it out again. And I did. None of them were very difficult for me, but I impressed. I made sure to showcase my problem-solving while doing it, so that he could see my ability to explain things to others.

Then I had lunch, a long lunch at Benihana (my choosing) with two other guys, and though I feared it would be yet another interview, the purpose was to let me ask questions to contemporaries in a relaxed environment. I chose Benihana because there was an obvious distraction. We didn't talk that much, myself and the Brians, as they were both named. But it went about as well as could be, for a guy pushing 40 to be be friendly with two guys who were about 25 and already more successful and wealthy than I have ever been. One guy drove us to lunch in his Infiniti coupe, a recent purchase after his Pontiac Solstice couldn't hold the road in the winter.

All in all, I don't think the entire interview could've gone any better. Still, I can only have guarded optimism. It's likely that I won't know for at least another two weeks if the job will be offered to me. They had at least one other interviewed candidate last week and will likely have several others. But I did what I set out to do: show them that I have a strong background for the job, can learn quickly and independently, can work well (or at least converse well) with others, and has a lot to offer to company that's smart enough to hire me.

This Allstate connection is likely the last bump I'll get from the mass e-mail I sent to all of the chief actuaries in the area. If this doesn't pan out, I probably won't be landing a job in the field anytime soon, perhaps for another year. I can start volunteering at Lombard Town Center, expressly there to help our struggling downtown area. I can start tutoring more through the on-line company, or maybe pick up some tutoring jobs through Digger. I can try out for the summer Shakespeare play in Batavia, directed by Julane, an old friend of mine. (I founded Batavia's "Shakespeare on Clark" with her way back in 1999, when I was looking to do something to make a positive imprint on the world around me.) And I can start studying for my next actuarial exam, likely the Life Contingencies one.

I'll possibly do all of that to fill the painful void that any professionally unwanted person has to deal with. Man, I'm tired of these voids. And I'm no longer happy with my varied, unique, eclectic resume. I'm ready for my last occupation. Let's hope it starts very soon.

Don't Give Up

Jamie got back to me and responded in the affirmative. I didn't tell her "hey, wanna start a duet with me?" because I'm not sure that's what I want. I don't want to start dreaming like that until I know that the two of us gel. We got along extremely well for all of one day: the new teacher seminar for Glenbard schools. After that, we've certainly been cordial, but I think we've seen each other only 2-3 times since then, and it's been nearly two years since that seminar.

We even invited her to jam with the group and possibly join, but she kept cancelling, so I gave up. So why am I trying again? I don't know. I just am.

I have a spreadsheet that lists the songs I can play in front of others. A lot of them are not at all memorized, requiring me to look at a "cheat sheet" while playing, but there are 342 songs on the list, and I've likely forgotten to add some. (Make that 319 songs, as 23 of them are potentials that I have yet to learn.) That's a pretty good number, until you take into account that I started playing guitar 15 years ago. 21 songs a year for 15 years? Eh, not bad, I guess.

One song on the list is "Don't Give Up," a Peter Gabriel song featuring Kate Bush, a fave of my young-adult self. It'll be interesting to see if Jamie can sing it. I've asked Eileen to learn it, but she doesn't seem to have the time to learn songs with me. Some can learn songs while driving from job to house and vice versa; some can't.

Allstate called and will interview me in the next week. I've heard that entering the actuarial profession in health is the best avenue, but that's not what Allstate does. It's either property and casualty or life, and it's likely the first one. P&C is probably not my ideal choice, but it's still a good avenue to take, and I'm not in the position to be choosy. 

My self-esteem is better of late, but I look forward to being of service to someone for a change. I need value.

Where does my heart want to go?

I know, that's such a sappy title for a post, but it's inspired by Cat Stevens. In "The Wind," Cat sings "I let my music take me where my heart wants to go."

Of course, songwriting is not my forte, so I'm not writing what my heart desires. Though I do wish to pursue that endeavor, it's often enough for me to re-create where other songwriters' hearts want to go, and I do this by playing their songs.

Am I getting enough from my current band to do this?

On about seven occasions, I've opened for Ted From Accounting. Apart from a half-hearted attempt at "It's Academic," I've only done cover songs, but I haven't done the same song twice. That's one thing that I brought to the table when I played at Tiffany Tavern on Thursday nights.

Tiffany Tavern is a small place in Old Town Alexandria that has open mikes four nights a week and bluegrass the other three. There were other open mikes in the area but none as fun. Brian hosted on Thursdays and I was very partial to that night, not just because of Brian, but because Margie was done with her week and I had only one day to go, so coming home just before midnight wasn't a big problem.

When I played there, people listened. Most of the people there listened to most of the acts, but I can say without too much pride that I was a favorite act there. I could get that crowd pin-drop quiet at times, and I could get them clapping along too.

When I last opened for TFA, hardly anyone was paying attention. They can say that they were listening, but they were listening the way a teenager listens to the teacher in their last class of the afternoon, if they were allowed to text during class. In short, they weren't really listening. Only at a very passive level.

This gets me frustrated, as I can't seem to grab them when I play. Why not? Because they're not a Tiffany Tavern crowd? Because it's on a weekend, rather than on a Thursday night? Because they've had more to drink? Because they're not there to see me, but Ted instead? Because I'm not as good as I was?

I can't accept that last part. When I played at an open mike in Lisle at a place called Bono's, the two other musicians that were acting as a backup band were quite taken by me.

When I performed "Hallelujah" at Beacon Tap, both Digger and Eileen made a point of telling me how good it was.

Musically, I'm not scratching my itches. Even if TFA was not in a freefall, I'd still be restless. I've always wished to play guitar with them, but not too many songs each night. The very few attempts we had were horrible. It really felt to me as if the other members of the band were going through the motions, or didn't know how to play it, or didn't care, or intentionally were bad to shut me up and get me back behind the drums.

My heart wants to go somewhere else. Not away from TFA, though. I do tend to have fun when playing with them or practicing with them. Just like having a sickly child, you're happy with them anyway and find it hard to imagine a life without them. But I think I want to have another child.

So maybe the next step would be to record some songs and put them on YouTube. Since I'm no longer a teacher, I don't have to worry about it coming around at my workplace and treated with ridicule, undermining my job.

Do I go solo? Work on mastering my looper? Play at some coffeehouses to start? Do I find another musician and get a duet going? I asked Jamie, another former teacher that plays keys and violin and sings, if she'd like to try it out. I'm not holding my breath for her to respond in the affirmative, though.

I wish Margie would sing with enough confidence to do it in front of others, or even with me.

I wish Glenn lived around here. He and I had a two-man act called "Gulp" that worked up a bunch of songs, and though we never landed a paid gig about of it, we loved it. It didn't last long, as he moved to Tennessee. Then we moved to Illinois. Maybe Gulp never got old enough to cause me grief, but it was likely my most rewarding musical project. Glenn's a great guy, maybe the best friend I've had as an adult, and I miss him a lot.

I wish John was a little better and a little more willing to play drums with us. (Or could we have Gumby play a few on drums while I'm up in front? Hm!)

No more Gulp, but I gotta find something else to chew on.