inertia

I can't do anything. I don't mean that I have no talent; actually, I think I've got a lot of that. But there's so little drive. No motivation.

What's worse is that, when I was younger and hated something that I perceived to be wrong, I would get very angry about it and think about how I could fix it. Sometimes I'd try to fix it. There wasn't a lot of success, but at least I tried. Now, not only do I not try, I don't even get angry. I can't even force myself to scream anymore.

My parents' jukebox, smelling of cigarette smoke, now sits in my basement. A repairman is coming tomorrow, though the problem has fixed itself. Still, I want him to come to tune-up the machine, and more importantly, come up with a way of playing an iPod through it.

As long as this house call doesn't cost too much money, that is. Since I'm not bringing in anything, it's pathetic for me to spend a lot of money.

I really, really, really hate that I'm nearly 40. I know that most people my age haven't accomplished that much more than me - my z-score is likely between -1 and +1, and probably a positive number - but I find ways to let my situation get me down anyway.

I'm genuinely tired of bringing myself down. What other people my age have accomplished should not affect my emotions, as it has no effect on what I can still make of this life. Steve Carlson's very successful and is married with kids. He has everything I want, but lack. And he was the world's biggest asshole to me. My childhood was scarred because of him. I never stood up for myself. Why didn't I? Why didn't I get help?

Would things have been different if my older brother wasn't autistic? If my father wasn't wrestling with his own alcoholism? If my mother was offering guidance and instilling self-confidence, instead of sheltering me so?

Man, I'm so tired of the nostalgia. I remember so many moments from my youth, moments that no one remembers. And they don't remember them because they're not important. They happened a very long time ago, and they have since moved on and are living the current lives to the fullest. They are in the moment.

I've recently heard that those in the moment are happiest. I guess this is true for me, on the rare occasions when I'm involved in a task. Like the development of my band's website: http://tedfromaccounting.org. It was not a good site at first, but Paulito got it going and had little time to maintain it. I worked very hard to get it respectable, and I'm actually proud of the way it looks.

As long as I'm happy in my work, it will be a good life. And once I get motivated, I'll start trying to determine how to be happy in my work. As much as I like interacting with people, I don't do well with them at times and should probably have a quieter profession. My social skills lack. Even my "Discover What You're Best At" book agreed, marking me extremely high on half of the attributes but below average socially. Heck, I can't even look people in the eyes most of the time. It's not natural; I have to constantly force myself to do it.

Being an actuary won't necessarily make me happy, but accomplishing the goal of becoming one will. Being able to provide for my wife and hopeful child will make me very happy. The only person bringing me down is me. If it wasn't Steve Carlson, it would be somebody else to act as the symbol of my own insecurities and self-abuse.