First, I gotta suggest to the band that we play "No Time To Lose" by the Tarney-Spencer Band, now that I have an .mp3 of it. Along with "Valerie," I'm going to STRONGLY suggest that we learn them, and if not, it'll make it easy for me to see that my voice isn't being heard, and that I should go elsewhere to have a voice.
Hey! I bowled a 219 today! How strange that it happened this week, after I've been bowling so terribly and missing my spots so often. But I changed a few things, which felt natural.
First, I washed my bowling ball in the dishwasher. Strange, I know, but it worked like a charm. I didn't realize just how oily was ball was, and since it had so little friction going down the lanes, I was overcompensating and throwing everything else out of whack.
Also, I started taking my time with my final step. I do a small skip with my third and fourth steps, then wait a little before putting my last step out.
And I was really feeling the ball come out of my thumb before my fingers, and I could consistently feel the fingers putting a good spin on the ball. I had my hand at a 60-degree angle or so (no degrees would be straight toward the pins) and I may have been flicking my wrist, pushing my fingers toward the forearm, at the release. Not sure about that part, but all I know is that I had a nice strike ball going for me today.
It took about two games to find it. My first game was only 110, but my second was about 150. (I don't actually remember.) The third was 183. Here's the fourth game:
X X 5/ 90 9/ X X X X 9/7
Again, I have yet to bowl an open-frame-free game. I couldn't make standing tens today to save my soul. And I finished with a 150, accidentally bowling one extra ball at the end that seemed to make all ten pins explode away from the ball at once.
And now I'm studying my actuarial math, and for once, it's making sense. Man, I'm on a roll.
When I informed Margie about the ball washing and the result, her response was "That's great news! Wash the basketball so I can dunk!" I love this woman.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Sunday, August 14, 2011
El Toro
I've been a huge Cubs fan, and my love for them gets bigger nearly every year. But I have to give it up somehow, because they keep breaking my heart. And not just because they're historically bad, but because they continue to show any ability to get better.
My favorite player on the team is Carlos Zambrano. I will admit this. There are plenty of fans who hate the guy, and now more than ever, thanks to an incident in Friday's game against the Braves which I'll discuss in a bit. But Carlos has always had great talent and has worn his heart on his sleeve. I believe that he's been a bigger Cubs fan than I have been since he joined the team as a very young player in 2001.
By the way, Carlos is mostly known as "Big Z," but that's a lame nickname. I prefer "El Toro." The bull. Carlos is huge. I don't think anyone's ever charged the mound on him, likely because no one would even consider taking him on in a fight.
Carlos is a very emotional guy. If the camera pans to the dugout and a smile is seen, it's likely his. He always pays close attention to the game and, I believe, gets along well with others. Unless he's pitching. Then he has trouble at times.
He has gotten into some nasty skirmishes with players on his own team. All of them have been well-documented by Chicago sports writers, many of whom hate the guy so much that they'll hop on any little thing. They'll call him "stupid," "crazy" and a "clubhouse cancer," and not just in opinion articles. (Why it's now unacceptable to call someone "retarded" but still allow those other terms is beyond me.) Toro has gotten a raw deal from the media in Chicago for years.
Anyway, Carlos was pitching against the Braves on Friday, a game that I missed because I was traveling this past weekend. And I've been reading a lot about the game, in an attempt to piece together what really happened. Here's my take:
Quade decided to rip Carlos in the postgame conference, claiming that he walked out on his team (though he had already gotten thrown out). GM Jim Hendry then gave Carlos a similar tongue-lashing, before putting him on the Disqualified List (whatever the hell that is) for a month.
So anyway, here's what I think is really going on.
Whichever team picks up El Toro will be getting one new fan.
My favorite player on the team is Carlos Zambrano. I will admit this. There are plenty of fans who hate the guy, and now more than ever, thanks to an incident in Friday's game against the Braves which I'll discuss in a bit. But Carlos has always had great talent and has worn his heart on his sleeve. I believe that he's been a bigger Cubs fan than I have been since he joined the team as a very young player in 2001.
By the way, Carlos is mostly known as "Big Z," but that's a lame nickname. I prefer "El Toro." The bull. Carlos is huge. I don't think anyone's ever charged the mound on him, likely because no one would even consider taking him on in a fight.
Carlos is a very emotional guy. If the camera pans to the dugout and a smile is seen, it's likely his. He always pays close attention to the game and, I believe, gets along well with others. Unless he's pitching. Then he has trouble at times.
He has gotten into some nasty skirmishes with players on his own team. All of them have been well-documented by Chicago sports writers, many of whom hate the guy so much that they'll hop on any little thing. They'll call him "stupid," "crazy" and a "clubhouse cancer," and not just in opinion articles. (Why it's now unacceptable to call someone "retarded" but still allow those other terms is beyond me.) Toro has gotten a raw deal from the media in Chicago for years.
Anyway, Carlos was pitching against the Braves on Friday, a game that I missed because I was traveling this past weekend. And I've been reading a lot about the game, in an attempt to piece together what really happened. Here's my take:
- Zambrano had nothing. Even though he threw great the last three starts with an ERA under 2, this was not his night. He was getting hammered, giving up five homers in his 4 1/3 innings of work.
- In the fifth, after giving up his fourth homer, it was obvious to everyone not named Mike Quade that he had nothing and needed replacement. But Quade didn't get the bullpen going. Even the Braves announcers were in disbelief.
- Zambrano gave up yet another homer, but still no bullpen action.
- Pitching coach Mark Riggins came out to talk to Zambrano and catcher Geovany Soto. We'll never know what was said.
- Zambrano then proceeded to throw two pitches to Chipper Jones, both of which were very close to hitting him. Soto set up inside on both pitches. Zambrano was thrown out after the second pitch, at which point he showed little disgust at the ejection and started walking straight towards the dugout.
Quade decided to rip Carlos in the postgame conference, claiming that he walked out on his team (though he had already gotten thrown out). GM Jim Hendry then gave Carlos a similar tongue-lashing, before putting him on the Disqualified List (whatever the hell that is) for a month.
So anyway, here's what I think is really going on.
- Zambrano has been getting away with emotional outbursts for years. The Cubs have only done one thing in ten years to curtail it; they suspended him last year after his screaming episode in the dugout during a bad start of his, which was again blown up by sports writers. He underwent anger management counseling, only to come back and be very effective the last two months of 2010.
- Despite his talents, Zambrano's needed a calming influence, which he has not gotten for a long time. The Cubs' last two managers haven't helped: Lou Piniella was a fiery guy but then basically quit on the team, and Mike Quade completely over his head, letting all of his veterans get away with lackadaisical play, consistent getting outcoached during the game, and preferring to be buddy-buddy with most of the players instead of leading.
- Zambrano has not been a fan of Quade, as he sees a manager that won't bring a winner to this team. Other players put up with it, but Zambrano has shown a few small bristlings about it. Is this unprofessional? Yes. It sucks to have a lousy boss, but there are better ways to handle it than we've seen from him.
- Quade refused to pull him from the game. Again, Toro had nothing. Why still be in the game? Why not at least warm up a relief pitcher?
- Carlos decided that he had to take matters into his own hands, so he got himself kicked out of the game. It's possible that Carlos just missed poorly on both pitches to Chipper, but I doubt it. He wanted out because his manager wouldn't pull him.
- He got even more emotional in the clubhouse and decided that he might as well leave. Only Alfonso Soriano talked to him after the game and had some criticism which I believe was warranted. But Carlos is a starting pitcher; he wasn't going to play again that series. And he told some clubhouse people on the way out that maybe he should just retire.
- Quade goes to the press and says that Carlos said he'd retire. As Quade got this info second-hand, it was another bit of proof that he's not cut out to be the main guy; he may be a good third-base coach, but this level of responsibility is too much for him.
- Jim Hendry knows that, if this all turns against Quade, his own job might be in danger. So he takes a strong stance, much like he did with Milton Bradley.
- Zambrano was upset but calmed down. But seeing how his manager and GM have blown it out of proportion, doesn't know what to do.
Whichever team picks up El Toro will be getting one new fan.
Monday, August 8, 2011
Keep it in Lombard
On the way home from bowling, I had what I think is the greatest idea I've had in a long while.
Remember that "Where's George" site? A reminder: it asks people to enter their dollar bill's serial number on the site, stating where they got it. Then those people are asked to spend it, but not without writing "Where's George" on the bill itself.
The site's goal is to have people see all the places where the bill got spent. It is amazing to see how far a dollar bill travels, often hopping through a handful of states. It also makes me wonder where the black holes are. By "black holes," I mean the places where that currency never leaves. Is it in someone's spare change jar? Is it swapped back and forth at a friendly poker game? Or is the giant black hole somewhere outside our borders?
(I suppose people don't take the piece of paper itself and move it to an off-shore bank account. But the value inherent in the bill is often taken far away from its original location, and when it leaves, it hardly ever returns.
Contrast this notion with my desire to urge Lombardians of the value of their money, and how it continues to help the community if it stays in the community.
So I give you the following site: Keep It In Lombard dot org. I'm not sold on the site's name - perhaps it should be "spent it here dot org" or "keep it here dot com," with a /IL/lombard after it, just in case this idea really takes off.
Or not. Just go with a personalized URL. I doubt I could ever make any money off this idea; it appears that the "Where's George" site only makes enough to keep the site afloat.
My goal is for every Lombardian to get a dollar bill with "Keep It In Lombard" written on it, and to either visit the website and see my plea for taking care of their own town, or to think about where in Lombard they could spend it. But the goal is not to just hold onto it; it is to spend it locally, helping those around us. Of course, a great many of the bills will leave town, likely to never return. But if I can keep some of them around for one more in-town exchange, or perhaps a couple of exchanges, my town will continue to benefit from its wealth.
There are questions. What bills should I use? Obviously, one-dollar bills are easier for me to use, as I have limited funds. (Being unemployed, they're more limited than ever.) But the higher the denomination of the bill, the greater its impact when it stays here. (Then again, if someone's dropping a twenty and getting seventeen dollars back, it really doesn't have that much more of a value than a dollar bill.
Maybe I can ask those who like the idea to come to the site and enter where they're spending their money. They can get some exposure as a Lombard supporter. (Gotta come up with a catchier name.) Heck, if they also enter the bill's serial number, we can start figuring out which business are keeping the money in the Lombard circuit! (And which business are essentially starving Lombard dry.) Wow, this could rock.
What I really need is to have a Webmaster. I have very little knowledge of constructing a site. Apart from tedfromaccounting.org, I know nothing about site construction and usefulness. This would require a big accessible database.
I know that media coverage of the site shouldn't be a problem. I can also discuss it on Hello Lombard dot com, where I'm starting to get more involved.
This is great. Ideas don't come as often to me anymore, but still they come and it makes me feel alive when they do. (I'm writing this on the Internet to serve as intellectual property. If it can't construe as such a thing, and someone beats me to the punch, I sure hope it helps my hometown just the same.)
Remember that "Where's George" site? A reminder: it asks people to enter their dollar bill's serial number on the site, stating where they got it. Then those people are asked to spend it, but not without writing "Where's George" on the bill itself.
The site's goal is to have people see all the places where the bill got spent. It is amazing to see how far a dollar bill travels, often hopping through a handful of states. It also makes me wonder where the black holes are. By "black holes," I mean the places where that currency never leaves. Is it in someone's spare change jar? Is it swapped back and forth at a friendly poker game? Or is the giant black hole somewhere outside our borders?
(I suppose people don't take the piece of paper itself and move it to an off-shore bank account. But the value inherent in the bill is often taken far away from its original location, and when it leaves, it hardly ever returns.
Contrast this notion with my desire to urge Lombardians of the value of their money, and how it continues to help the community if it stays in the community.
So I give you the following site: Keep It In Lombard dot org. I'm not sold on the site's name - perhaps it should be "spent it here dot org" or "keep it here dot com," with a /IL/lombard after it, just in case this idea really takes off.
Or not. Just go with a personalized URL. I doubt I could ever make any money off this idea; it appears that the "Where's George" site only makes enough to keep the site afloat.
My goal is for every Lombardian to get a dollar bill with "Keep It In Lombard" written on it, and to either visit the website and see my plea for taking care of their own town, or to think about where in Lombard they could spend it. But the goal is not to just hold onto it; it is to spend it locally, helping those around us. Of course, a great many of the bills will leave town, likely to never return. But if I can keep some of them around for one more in-town exchange, or perhaps a couple of exchanges, my town will continue to benefit from its wealth.
There are questions. What bills should I use? Obviously, one-dollar bills are easier for me to use, as I have limited funds. (Being unemployed, they're more limited than ever.) But the higher the denomination of the bill, the greater its impact when it stays here. (Then again, if someone's dropping a twenty and getting seventeen dollars back, it really doesn't have that much more of a value than a dollar bill.
Maybe I can ask those who like the idea to come to the site and enter where they're spending their money. They can get some exposure as a Lombard supporter. (Gotta come up with a catchier name.) Heck, if they also enter the bill's serial number, we can start figuring out which business are keeping the money in the Lombard circuit! (And which business are essentially starving Lombard dry.) Wow, this could rock.
What I really need is to have a Webmaster. I have very little knowledge of constructing a site. Apart from tedfromaccounting.org, I know nothing about site construction and usefulness. This would require a big accessible database.
I know that media coverage of the site shouldn't be a problem. I can also discuss it on Hello Lombard dot com, where I'm starting to get more involved.
This is great. Ideas don't come as often to me anymore, but still they come and it makes me feel alive when they do. (I'm writing this on the Internet to serve as intellectual property. If it can't construe as such a thing, and someone beats me to the punch, I sure hope it helps my hometown just the same.)
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Best three-chord structure
C, then Em9, then Fmaj7. Basically, the three main chords of "Silly Love Songs." Paul also used these three chords in this order on "Come And Get It." It's the "did I hear you say that there must be a catch / will you walk away" part. But just strumming those three chords in sequence offers such a beautiful sound.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Dingus
Actually, "Dyngus Day" is a Polish tradition, or so I've been told, so I should call this post "Dopus" or "Doofus," or just "idiocy."
My Chicago Cubs should no longer be mine, because they offer no love back. They have the second-worst record in baseball, despite having one of the highest payrolls. They have an okay batting average, unless it's in an important situation, and that's where they fail to deliver. Their starting pitching has been a travesty all year. They are one of the slowest teams in baseball; they have the worst defense in baseball. Their pitchers walk more than any team; their hitters take fewer walks than any team.
And yet, they are refusing to make any moves. As if they are happy with their current club. Seriously. Gm Jim Hendry claims that practically everyone on the team is a "keeper." There's rumor that the Cubs are deliberately keeping anyone, so that they look "Competitive" to Prince Fielder in hopes of signing him as a free agent next year. This team is competitive? Only the Astros have a worse record, and they just traded two of their best players for some nice prospects.
We all know about their history of not wining the World Series, let alone the pennant, so I won't rehash that here. All I know is that the organization has so many things to change, and I don't see how they'll ever do it. The easier thing to do would be for me to change allegiances.
So I'm trying. It'll be hard not to have a vested interest in the Cubs, so I won't give them up completely. And I won't allow myself to just pick a perennial winner, or hop on a bandwagon.
I think I'll pick the Nationals. This is an easy move for me, even though they're in a tough division. They play where I lived for six years. They have a great stadium. They have Stephen Strasburg and Bryce Harper. That makes sense to me. A Nats fan I will start to be.
For the American League, I think I like the Royals, because they're always behind as a very small-market team, but their farm system is loaded. They also have a great park and there's something about the blue of their uniforms that's even more appealing than what the Cubs offer. I suppose if I wear a Royals cap, I might look a little bit like a gangster. Already have a Nats cap somewhere.
My Chicago Cubs should no longer be mine, because they offer no love back. They have the second-worst record in baseball, despite having one of the highest payrolls. They have an okay batting average, unless it's in an important situation, and that's where they fail to deliver. Their starting pitching has been a travesty all year. They are one of the slowest teams in baseball; they have the worst defense in baseball. Their pitchers walk more than any team; their hitters take fewer walks than any team.
And yet, they are refusing to make any moves. As if they are happy with their current club. Seriously. Gm Jim Hendry claims that practically everyone on the team is a "keeper." There's rumor that the Cubs are deliberately keeping anyone, so that they look "Competitive" to Prince Fielder in hopes of signing him as a free agent next year. This team is competitive? Only the Astros have a worse record, and they just traded two of their best players for some nice prospects.
We all know about their history of not wining the World Series, let alone the pennant, so I won't rehash that here. All I know is that the organization has so many things to change, and I don't see how they'll ever do it. The easier thing to do would be for me to change allegiances.
So I'm trying. It'll be hard not to have a vested interest in the Cubs, so I won't give them up completely. And I won't allow myself to just pick a perennial winner, or hop on a bandwagon.
I think I'll pick the Nationals. This is an easy move for me, even though they're in a tough division. They play where I lived for six years. They have a great stadium. They have Stephen Strasburg and Bryce Harper. That makes sense to me. A Nats fan I will start to be.
For the American League, I think I like the Royals, because they're always behind as a very small-market team, but their farm system is loaded. They also have a great park and there's something about the blue of their uniforms that's even more appealing than what the Cubs offer. I suppose if I wear a Royals cap, I might look a little bit like a gangster. Already have a Nats cap somewhere.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Old low, new high
I was really feeling lousy today. And no, I don't wish to write about it. So I went bowling, deciding to be clinical about it, creating a table and writing down where I was setting up, what board I tried to hit, where it went, and where the ball then hit the pins. I did this for two games, and it helped me concentrate and see the cause and effect of what I've been doing.
I've also found that, keeping the ball lifted with my wrist, having a straight arm, starting my backswing between the second and third step, and holding the ball at a 45-degree angle (facing neither the alley nor the side of my body) the entire time, I was able to get a consistent roll and a consistent placement.
Consequently, I bowled a new high score: 211. It had been a while since I cracked the 200 mark. This one, like all of my other 200+ games, started strongly after a less-than-ideal first frame and weakened at the end.
7/ X X X X X 7/ 8/ 90 S71. I had no shot at converting the 4-6-10 split in the tenth, but the standing five-pin in the ninth killed me. My ball curved just enough to miss it to the left.
I got into the groove of standing just behind the dots, my right big toe at the 22nd board on the left lane and the 23rd board on the right. Dave has been helping me notice the difference between each lane. In tournaments, different lanes will be intentionally oiled differently, forcing the bowler to adjust. Golfers have to deal with the wind; bowlers must account for the oil. It will even change as the game progresses. And I notice that the ball was hooking a little less on the left lane for my final game (the one after my 211, which wasn't a league game), so I went right another board and it worked well.
During my three-game series, I averaged 8.7 pins per first ball. That's HUGE for me. I have to hit that head pin well with every first ball, and I was able to do that today better than ever. I also converted two tricky splits in my second league game, which happened to be my worst game of the day: a 6-7-10 and a 3-7.
Of the six games, my low was a 148. Overall, it was my second-best day so far, as I averaged 166. (I averaged 177 for six games once before.) Every one of these games was better than each game yesterday, when I took on my brother Don in a little two-game match. Don often bowls under 100 with his current ball, though his lifetime best is 199. (Oh, for that extra pin.) The first game, we actually tied at 132. The second game, he finished with a 144, and I needed eight pins with my last ball to tie and nine to win. I missed the pocket for what seemed like the 90th time that day, giving me a 142.
Don beat me fair and square. As upset as I was for my poor performance, I did get a kick out of Don rising to the challenge and succeeding. Most 43-year-old autistic men who are obese, diabetic and partially deaf usually don't do that very often. Well done, brother. But I'll get you next time.
I've also found that, keeping the ball lifted with my wrist, having a straight arm, starting my backswing between the second and third step, and holding the ball at a 45-degree angle (facing neither the alley nor the side of my body) the entire time, I was able to get a consistent roll and a consistent placement.
Consequently, I bowled a new high score: 211. It had been a while since I cracked the 200 mark. This one, like all of my other 200+ games, started strongly after a less-than-ideal first frame and weakened at the end.
7/ X X X X X 7/ 8/ 90 S71. I had no shot at converting the 4-6-10 split in the tenth, but the standing five-pin in the ninth killed me. My ball curved just enough to miss it to the left.
I got into the groove of standing just behind the dots, my right big toe at the 22nd board on the left lane and the 23rd board on the right. Dave has been helping me notice the difference between each lane. In tournaments, different lanes will be intentionally oiled differently, forcing the bowler to adjust. Golfers have to deal with the wind; bowlers must account for the oil. It will even change as the game progresses. And I notice that the ball was hooking a little less on the left lane for my final game (the one after my 211, which wasn't a league game), so I went right another board and it worked well.
During my three-game series, I averaged 8.7 pins per first ball. That's HUGE for me. I have to hit that head pin well with every first ball, and I was able to do that today better than ever. I also converted two tricky splits in my second league game, which happened to be my worst game of the day: a 6-7-10 and a 3-7.
Of the six games, my low was a 148. Overall, it was my second-best day so far, as I averaged 166. (I averaged 177 for six games once before.) Every one of these games was better than each game yesterday, when I took on my brother Don in a little two-game match. Don often bowls under 100 with his current ball, though his lifetime best is 199. (Oh, for that extra pin.) The first game, we actually tied at 132. The second game, he finished with a 144, and I needed eight pins with my last ball to tie and nine to win. I missed the pocket for what seemed like the 90th time that day, giving me a 142.
Don beat me fair and square. As upset as I was for my poor performance, I did get a kick out of Don rising to the challenge and succeeding. Most 43-year-old autistic men who are obese, diabetic and partially deaf usually don't do that very often. Well done, brother. But I'll get you next time.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
inertia
I can't do anything. I don't mean that I have no talent; actually, I think I've got a lot of that. But there's so little drive. No motivation.
What's worse is that, when I was younger and hated something that I perceived to be wrong, I would get very angry about it and think about how I could fix it. Sometimes I'd try to fix it. There wasn't a lot of success, but at least I tried. Now, not only do I not try, I don't even get angry. I can't even force myself to scream anymore.
My parents' jukebox, smelling of cigarette smoke, now sits in my basement. A repairman is coming tomorrow, though the problem has fixed itself. Still, I want him to come to tune-up the machine, and more importantly, come up with a way of playing an iPod through it.
As long as this house call doesn't cost too much money, that is. Since I'm not bringing in anything, it's pathetic for me to spend a lot of money.
I really, really, really hate that I'm nearly 40. I know that most people my age haven't accomplished that much more than me - my z-score is likely between -1 and +1, and probably a positive number - but I find ways to let my situation get me down anyway.
I'm genuinely tired of bringing myself down. What other people my age have accomplished should not affect my emotions, as it has no effect on what I can still make of this life. Steve Carlson's very successful and is married with kids. He has everything I want, but lack. And he was the world's biggest asshole to me. My childhood was scarred because of him. I never stood up for myself. Why didn't I? Why didn't I get help?
Would things have been different if my older brother wasn't autistic? If my father wasn't wrestling with his own alcoholism? If my mother was offering guidance and instilling self-confidence, instead of sheltering me so?
Man, I'm so tired of the nostalgia. I remember so many moments from my youth, moments that no one remembers. And they don't remember them because they're not important. They happened a very long time ago, and they have since moved on and are living the current lives to the fullest. They are in the moment.
I've recently heard that those in the moment are happiest. I guess this is true for me, on the rare occasions when I'm involved in a task. Like the development of my band's website: http://tedfromaccounting.org. It was not a good site at first, but Paulito got it going and had little time to maintain it. I worked very hard to get it respectable, and I'm actually proud of the way it looks.
As long as I'm happy in my work, it will be a good life. And once I get motivated, I'll start trying to determine how to be happy in my work. As much as I like interacting with people, I don't do well with them at times and should probably have a quieter profession. My social skills lack. Even my "Discover What You're Best At" book agreed, marking me extremely high on half of the attributes but below average socially. Heck, I can't even look people in the eyes most of the time. It's not natural; I have to constantly force myself to do it.
Being an actuary won't necessarily make me happy, but accomplishing the goal of becoming one will. Being able to provide for my wife and hopeful child will make me very happy. The only person bringing me down is me. If it wasn't Steve Carlson, it would be somebody else to act as the symbol of my own insecurities and self-abuse.
What's worse is that, when I was younger and hated something that I perceived to be wrong, I would get very angry about it and think about how I could fix it. Sometimes I'd try to fix it. There wasn't a lot of success, but at least I tried. Now, not only do I not try, I don't even get angry. I can't even force myself to scream anymore.
My parents' jukebox, smelling of cigarette smoke, now sits in my basement. A repairman is coming tomorrow, though the problem has fixed itself. Still, I want him to come to tune-up the machine, and more importantly, come up with a way of playing an iPod through it.
As long as this house call doesn't cost too much money, that is. Since I'm not bringing in anything, it's pathetic for me to spend a lot of money.
I really, really, really hate that I'm nearly 40. I know that most people my age haven't accomplished that much more than me - my z-score is likely between -1 and +1, and probably a positive number - but I find ways to let my situation get me down anyway.
I'm genuinely tired of bringing myself down. What other people my age have accomplished should not affect my emotions, as it has no effect on what I can still make of this life. Steve Carlson's very successful and is married with kids. He has everything I want, but lack. And he was the world's biggest asshole to me. My childhood was scarred because of him. I never stood up for myself. Why didn't I? Why didn't I get help?
Would things have been different if my older brother wasn't autistic? If my father wasn't wrestling with his own alcoholism? If my mother was offering guidance and instilling self-confidence, instead of sheltering me so?
Man, I'm so tired of the nostalgia. I remember so many moments from my youth, moments that no one remembers. And they don't remember them because they're not important. They happened a very long time ago, and they have since moved on and are living the current lives to the fullest. They are in the moment.
I've recently heard that those in the moment are happiest. I guess this is true for me, on the rare occasions when I'm involved in a task. Like the development of my band's website: http://tedfromaccounting.org. It was not a good site at first, but Paulito got it going and had little time to maintain it. I worked very hard to get it respectable, and I'm actually proud of the way it looks.
As long as I'm happy in my work, it will be a good life. And once I get motivated, I'll start trying to determine how to be happy in my work. As much as I like interacting with people, I don't do well with them at times and should probably have a quieter profession. My social skills lack. Even my "Discover What You're Best At" book agreed, marking me extremely high on half of the attributes but below average socially. Heck, I can't even look people in the eyes most of the time. It's not natural; I have to constantly force myself to do it.
Being an actuary won't necessarily make me happy, but accomplishing the goal of becoming one will. Being able to provide for my wife and hopeful child will make me very happy. The only person bringing me down is me. If it wasn't Steve Carlson, it would be somebody else to act as the symbol of my own insecurities and self-abuse.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)