TFA no more?

Only three other people are aware that I post as The Outliar, and one of them is in my current band, Ted From Accounting, so this might not be the best place to post these thoughts, but I'll do it anyway.

It's looking like my time with TFA is drawing to a close. I don't really want that to happen, but the current situation is so frustrating for me that I'd rather leave than maintain status quo.

There's a lot of drama in the band right now, and all of it involves me in some way. The thing is that I hate the drama. A little change from the routine is fun, but there's no way I want all of this bad feeling.

I think that it was guaranteed this day would come, once I said that I'd play drums. Once Paul Sabre left the group, Digger and Paulito asked me if I would like to switch to guitar while we look for another drummer. In short, yes, that is what I wanted. But I didn't choose that option because Paulito's neighbor was hosting our jams, acting as a roadie for us, and was a nice guy with some guitar-playing experience who appeared to desperately want to join the group.

So I said that we'd be better off with me on drums and John on guitar than me on guitar and some unknown person on drums.

However, I made it clear at the very beginning that I wanted to play guitar some of the time - about one-third is what I envisioned - and that it would be much appreciated if John were to play drums for some of the songs. He agreed. But he never worked at it. He's not a terrible drummer, but he could use some practice, and practice outside of our gatherings is something that John never does. (Digger's the only member I know that practices outside our gatherings, though I'm certain that Paulito works on a song until he's got it, then retains it. He doesn't need to practice, in other words. I have no clue about Eileen's practice ethic, though I know that I asked her to learn "Don't Give Up" months ago, and she has yet to do it.)

We tried playing "I Can't Explain" by The Who with GODDOG (that's guitarist on drums and drummer on guitar), but John would never get a couple of critical parts correctly. Could John have learned the part correctly if he practiced with me, something I have always been willing to do? I don't know and will probably never know.

We tried GODDOG one more time, about a year and a half ago, but it always sounded bad. It was a big drop-off, since a drummer has to have confidence in what they're doing. Perhaps my guitar-playing left a lot to be desired. Who knows. In any case, it sounded bad and I had to pull the plug.

Combine that with my frustrations over being stuck in the back, not being able to move around and work with the crowd, and having such little say in what songs we play and how few songs I sing, and it's gotten to a head.

I want the band to help me. I want them to care. I want them to say that they're willing to make me happy, learn "Valerie" and "No Time To Lose" and even "Reptile" and have John learns his drum part better.I want them to recognize that it's lonely back there, and that they should include me more, come back to jam with me during a gig, and tell me "nice job" every now and then, the way I tell them.

But I'm responsible for a big part of this too. I've always been one that craves positive reinforcement, and most of the band does not give it. (Or do they and I just don't hear it?) It irks me, but I have to recognize that they're just not the type of people to pat others on the back. I need to not need it, if that makes sense. If the only way the band can stay intact is with me on the drums for every song, I need help in appreciating that.

If someone else is having a rough go of it, I need to not take it personally. Eileen lashed out at me during Saturday night's gig over having Dan (aka Gumby) come up and play drums on two songs. I did it because I wanted to spend a little time with my wife, who was sitting alone most of the night. I wanted to hear the overall sound of the band. There were other reasons, but all of them had good intent, and had I known that she would've been upset over it, I would have begrudgingly not done it. I thought I was being a nice guy! Why can't I play well with others, no matter how hard I try?

Anyway, I told Digger all of these things over brunch today. I think he sees the hopelessness of the situation, but might schedule a meeting with Eileen and myself. Eileen holds firm to her opinions, but maybe we can see each other's point of view and maybe work out something where I can be happier and not such a drag on the band.

If I had a job, this band thing would seem less important, and that alone would make it easier to deal with. But apart from my marriage, TFA is the only thing I can brag about. I don't want to lose it, but I also have to feel good about that which I'm bragging.

Okay, I feel good about this description. I think I'll share it with Digger. As it stands, I don't think anyone else in the band wants to hear it. Digger's been a good friend over the years and will continue to be.