Good feelings

Weird for me to write this now, somewhat cloudy the morning after too much drink last night, but I'm feeling very good about myself.

True, I still have several personal matters that are weighing on me, but I'm beginning to find the confidence that'll get me through some of that difficulty. Or at least I'm starting to see the light coming from the other side. It'll take some work to get there, but if I know that the work will pay off, I'll strap on the work boots.

The actuarial exam was two days ago. My studying regiment for this exam was not followed as well as for the prior exam, and this one covered more difficult material. And once again, I had no live person to help me with my studies. Because of my depression and inability to focus, I was not on pace on pass the thing. Three weeks ago, I finally felt the urgency of the moment and went after my goal with full force, even though I didn't think I had a prayer of achieving a passing grade.

It's not crucial that an actuarial candidate pass every exam on the first try; in fact, you're expected to fail at some point. But the fallback to failing the MLC exam on this particular day would be more painful, as the scope of the exam would be changing and the new-fangled exam wouldn't be given again for another six months.

When I was in the exam room in anticipation of the clock to get to 8:30, two guys were sitting behind me, and one discussed how he never passes an exam on the first try... yet he works at Towers Watson, one of the big firms in the area. I should be able to find a job in this market. Sure, it'll be harder because I'm 40 and companies will see me as having 18 years' less time to work for them, so I'll need to remind them that I'm more sure of myself and my desire to stay at one company over others fresh out of school and overly excited about life experiences. Perhaps I can equate it to dating, where a younger man wishes to date many different women, whereas a more mature man wishes to settle down.

And I'm not saying that it'll be "fun" per se, but the task of finding a job in the field doesn't seem overly daunting to me now. While studying the last three weeks, I told myself not to worry about specifics involving my pursuit of a passing grade. Just put in the hours, Dave. That's all you need to do now. Put in the hours of studying. I can take that tack regarding a job pursuit. Put in the hours and it'll work out fine. Almost think of it as grunt work but with a big pay-off. And If I get an interview that doesn't get me a job, it's not one more place that never hire me, it's one more attempt, putting me in a better position to be successful on the next one.

For the record, if I had to guess, I'd say that I didn't pass. But I know I'm at least close to the passing mark, and certainly a lot closer than I anticipated even a week ago.

I only took one practice exam and scored 17 out of 30. That would be just short of passing. I got pretty darn lucky of some of my guesses in that exam. For the real one, I definitely got 12-14 of them right and was able to make some educated guesses from a few of the others. I may need some lucky guesses to get me up to the passing score, which is hopefully 18 but may be 19.

Instead of watching X-Factor with Margie, who needs to watch it for her job, I went to an open mike at the Irish bar in Downers Grove last night. Apart from this small Polish coffee house in Wood Dale and their sparsely-attended open mike - and by sparsely, I mean that no one else would be there most of the time - I have yet to play at an open mike since moving back from Virginia. I would regularly attended one in Old Town Alexandria and both of us would enjoy spending Thursday nights there. Why it's been so hard to find a successful open mike in the suburbs of America's third largest city is a mystery to me.

It went okay, I suppose. I drank two fingers' worth of a single-malt scotch between a beer and a cider and it hit me a little stronger than anticipated. My singing wasn't great, but my slightly-inebriated self didn't think it was that bad. No one walked out in defiance or appeared to snicker or pander, so hey. "Lightning Crashes" wasn't too painful, though my vocal work was sloppy with REM's "It's the End of the World as We Know It." My version over "Overkill" didn't kill but wasn't overdone either. My second song, after David Gray's "A Clean Pair of Eyes," was "Killing Me Softly," and I did it because a 24 year-old girl next to me at the bar asked if I would accompany her on it. I offered Mary and Scott my song list and asked if they wanted to hear anything from it, you see. I was looking for a little inspiration. She had a pretty good voice and struggled to sing it differently than Lauren Hill and the Fugees, but she was also forgiving of the two mistakes I made while playing, confusing the verse chords with the chorus chords. Real sloppy on my end, but then again, I had a generous pour of Macallan in me. The two of them went to Hinsdale South, where they knew a fellow ex-teacher from my last teaching job. She gave me business cards from her new hair salon, saying that she does a great job with mens' haircuts and lets her customers drink beer. Hm. Freshly-cut hair in my can of Miller Lite? Not so appealing this cloud-dissipating morning.

Not that I plan on becoming great friends with them, nice as they are. I'm a whole generation older than them. But this morning, unlike some mornings, I'm glad I'm not in a younger generation. That 4 in front of my age has been giving me issues. But I'm very happy to be settled with Margie, and I can stay that I'm still youthful but have experiences and wisdom that trump anything the Gen Y'ers, or Millenials, or whatever the heck they call themselves, possess.

When I was a little over 30, a 25 year-old at a DC networking event was touting her book, "The Quarter-Life Crisis." It likely sold well, or well enough for a youngin' that hasn't experienced much and is getting her first taste of independence and responsibility, but there she was complaining about her state in life. Good God. During our brief exchange, I mentioned my two difficulties with her conjecture. One is that most people don't live to 100, so she's well past the one-fourth mark. The other one is that people are moved by the aging of what they consider to be their generation, and that it hurts to see our grandparents die, as they are our parents' parents, meaning that we're one generation away from seeing our own parents fall away, leaving us first in line at the precipice. So I suggested a "third-life crisis." Generation-ally it works better, but it leaves out any mid-life crisis, of which I may be suffering these days.

Whatever. Quarter-Life Crisis my fanny. Being that age is great. And actually, being middle-aged as I am today ain't too bad either. It's a bit depressing to think that you've lived more than half your life already, but a lot of that life was spent in diapers, awkward moments and experiments gone awry. Honestly, it may be more painful that my parents got ten years older in the last ten years, but time won't budge on that, will it?


Addendum: Seems that I haven't written about Ted From Accounting's last gig. Well, it sucked. Thanks to scheduling and location, hardly anyone came to see us. Fewer people than last year. An appropriate close to the band. We had some great nights, and this one wasn't one of them. I planned on not saying a word to Eileen the entire night, but between the first and second acts, it was impossible not to talk, so we made chatter. Once I was done packing the drums, I realized that I had already said good-bye to John and would see Digger the next day, so I went upstairs to go to bed. Why bother saying good-bye to Eileen and Paulito? Eileen didn't deserve one and Paulito wouldn't care.

You know, the band really brought me down. There was a lot of negative energy there for me. I'm better off now. Still, Ted From Accounting is a good name, and I still want some sort of musical outlet, so maybe I'll form my own band someday. I don't need to describe the possible permutations; they're all listed below.

Ah, enough. I only wrote this for completion. I'm past it now. It feels so good to be past things.