Hurdles

My difficulties have been taking a toll on Margie. Today, she got to see me get in a panic, curse a little, and say nasty things to myself as I was frustrated over having to compete for a small number of jobs against people half my age and with an internship's worth of experience (compared to none for me). She's been going through difficulties as well and says that she needs me to be strong. And right now, I do feel strong. But that was after a nap. Most every day, according to her, I've had less-than-stellar moments that have hurt her.

I certainly don't want to hurt her. But I feel powerless when these moments come on. Am I supposed to hide them from her? I mean, if I can't share my frustration with her, with whom can I share them? This board?

For the record: I've never laid an angry hand on her and never will. Not my style. My life record says the opposite; I'll go as passive as possible when issues arise.

I know better than to hurt those that I truly love. Of course, I have been hurting her. But I don't know exactly how to control myself at those times. (I bet spousal abusers say the same thing.)

Right now, I think about the punching body bag in my parents' basement, and how it's mine, and how I have absolutely nowhere to put it. That would be a great place to take out my negative energy. My basement's great and could be my sanctuary, but why can't it provide for me here?

Am I supposed to blame my Dad for these issues? My mom? Society? Steve Carlson? My brother? Jim Streczek (sp)? Pam and Zim? The principals at my last two jobs? I'm flummoxed. I need more help. The acupuncture may be working. At the very least, it represents my desire to connect with my inner self. The therapy may also be working, though I don't see how a better relationship with my father will help much, especially since he already acknowledged his unawareness of my social crises of youth. Yoga? Exercise? Intimacy? Grass? Meditation? Booze?

Someone's holding me back. It's me, isn't it?