this afternoon

I'm in a completely different mood now, and it's not just because I'm sitting in my underwear reading stuff about the Cubs' new GM.

My first appointment with Tom (as he prefers to be called) was quite good. When I first got there, I had gone through an amazing string of bad luck. Comcast cable went down. That knocked out my Internet connection and the VoIP phone, and since I don't own a cell phone, I had no way of contacting anyone. So I left early for my appointment, with the intention of finding a WiFi portal on the way, so that I could send an e-mail to Margie and ask her to contact Comcast about it. Of course, there were no such places on the way, at least not where I had to dtop for light and got the chance to pull into a gas station.

When I got into the center, the lady behind the counter said that yes, they had WiFi. But my computer wouldn't turn on, suddenly, and it wouldn't even reset. I thought I had enough battery, but of course, this happens on this day. The lady let me use the phone to call Margie, but it went to her voice mail, which she sometimes misses. At the time, this string of bad luck felt like it only happened to me, and at an alarming frequency.

After coming into Tom's office and handing over the paperwork, he asked me for Margie's social security number, which I've been meaning to memorize but haven't yet. So I called again. This time she answered, but said that Comcast wanted someone to call them from home. How was I supposed to do that without Internet? I can't be of help, she said, until I get home with my cell phone later this afternoon.

I cried three times during the hour-long session: once at the beginning, once in mentioning the personal problem, and a light one while discussing how difficult it would be if we were to have a child that was mentally disabled like my brother.

We didn't get into a ton of different things, since a good portion of the time dealt with paperwork, but we discussed my positive and negative feelings that I had as a youth toward each of my parents. There were significant contradictions in there, which Tom said was expected. Near the end of the session, he brought up Jung's theory of archetypes and said that I had too much love energy and not enough king energy.

I was enthralled in reading about these archetypes: I found an abstract of a study and found myself seeing some people from my past and future listed amongst the descriptions of the shadows, which are archetypes taken to one extreme or the other. When I got to the healthy "lover" archetype - or the "troubadour," as Tom called it - I cried as I read a description of the person I've wanted to be for so long. But only after reading the entire abstract did I realize that my biggest issue might not be my transgression to the shadows of the lover, known as the Addict and the Impotent. It might be my increasing desire to be solely the lover, repressing any king, warrior and magician selves I may have inside of my psyche. Lots to digest, but it tastes very good, knowing that I'm taking a proactive and healthful approach to recovery.

There may be hope for me yet. It'll take a long time and a lot of work to get there, but that's okay. The healthy king doesn't get side-tracked by pettiness and keeps long-term goals in mind. Just remembering that helps strengthen my king energy.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to choose the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.